Saturday, February 24, 2018

Sword vs Mace

GM: The enormous shadow monster begins terrorizing the village, gobbling down the fleeing populace, wrecking buildings, and sowing death, destruction, and chaos. Roll initiative.

*dice rolling*

GM: All right, you guys move first.

Paladin: I draw my sword and charge up to the--!

Knight: Whoa, whoa, wait. You should let me use my mace instead.

Paladin: What? Why?

Knight: Because my mace does more damage.

Paladin: But my sword has a higher chance of dealing a critical!

GM: Uh, you know you could both--

Knight: We need to take this thing down hard and fast! We can't just rely on scoring a few lucky shots.

Paladin: News flash! We're using dice! All our shots are lucky!

GM: Guys...?

Paladin: Besides, this is probably going to be a long battle. In the long run, I'll deal more damage on average.

Knight: Oh yeah? Have you checked your math on that?

Paladin: Prove me wrong!

Knight: Fine! You got a calculator?

*dice rolling*

Knight: Wait, what are you doing?

GM: The monster takes another swipe, knocking over more buildings. Screams of pain and terror split the night sky.

Paladin: Wait, stop! It's still our turn!

GM: You took too long, so the monster took its turn. Now, are you going to make a move?

Knight: Fine! You going to let me use my mace, or is your pride going to cost us even more lives?

Paladin: My pride?! You were the one who--!!

Knight: Besides, a mace is probably more effective anyway. It might have a resistance to slashing damage.

Paladin: How could you possibly know that?!

Knight: How do you know it isn't? For all you know, you could end up making things worse!

Paladin: Oh, for the--!! Forget it. I'm attacking. I draw my sword and--!

Knight: I block him!

Paladin: What??

GM: What??

Knight: I step in front of him and parry his sword with my mace.

GM: You guys are on the same--!

*dice rolling*

Knight: Yes! Blocked!

GM: Sigh... *dice rolling* The monster takes yet another swipe. More innocent lives lost. Now what do you do?

Paladin: That's it. I'm attacking!

GM: Good. The monster turns to face you and--

Paladin: Not the monster. Him!

Knight: What??

GM: What??

Paladin: As long as he keeps interfering, that monster's going to keep killing!

GM: The monster is already killing!

Knight: Fine! All I wanted to do was take a minute to size up our enemy and make sure we do this right! But since getting your way is clearly more important to you--!

GM: Why don't you just both attack the thing?!

Knight: ...

Paladin: ...

Knight: No, he'll probably get in the way and cause more damage.

Paladin: There's no place for his arrogance on the battle field!

GM: Sigh... fine. Roll for attack. *dice rolling* Meanwhile, the monster smashes another building and begins devouring its inhabitants. More screaming. More death...

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